What's your story?

Initially, I was planning on getting some type of henna design. The day that I went to do it happened to be my mother's birthday, and as I was thumbing through the book of photographs my eyes fell on this butterfly. My thoughts immediately went to her.

Maybe a butterfly symbolizes new beginnings. It goes through a metamorphosis after all. From a little caterpillar, they cocoon themselves and become beautiful creatures. A new life, a new outlook, new wings to explore the world. Sort of like the little duckling turning into the beautiful swan. My mom was a beautiful soul here on earth, I can only imagine the wings that she got up in Heaven.

I could recollect hundreds of tiny little things relating to June 9, 2007. I am sure to most people, the day just slipped by just like any other. As they should. Today I'm recollecting family and togetherness, all pulling together for a truly remarkable soul. Always, always I recollect a very private moment of mine. One that I hesitate to share at times. It is of her and I hand in hand, and as she took her last breaths her pulling my hand up towards herself.

The last day that I spoke with her was Mother's Day 2007. And as we walked to our cars to give our goodbye hugs and kisses, just as we always did, we talked about the upcoming weekend and our plans to bring the grandchildren over to spend some time. We laughed and played around with each other about what our plans were. This has played over and over in my head many times. But today, for reasons that elude me, it has come to me. Those last simple moments of laughter and play were so precious. Those last moments of our untouched lives before our altered one.

Then this year, the day after her birthday, we buried her ashes. Kids walking around and looking at all the flowers and my oldest asking me burning questions about life, death, and Heaven. It was quaint, really. Why the movie reel has a different soundtrack today, how we reach this point, I do not know. It just feels so freeing to have a different perspective today, to feel grateful for something that previously held nothing but sadness. I feel so blessed to be reminded of the importance of the relationships that we have in our lives. I do not take for granted that I have been circled by some of the most amazing souls that walk this earth.

thinking of you in heaven *

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it, is the day that I will stop missing you."

I am going to share with you something I wrote for my dear Mother after she had passed. She was a beautiful soul with so much to give. I was so blessed to have her as a mom, and my children were blessed to have known her.


Mom,

I have missed you. I deeply miss your smile and your friendship and wish that I could tell you that face to face. You had a light about you that shined so brightly to everyone who had the pleasure of meeting and knowing you.

Gracie is getting so big and I wish that you were tangible to us so that we could watch you two share birthdays together. She is beautiful and it saddens me that you were not able to be with us on her first birthday. How lovesoaked that day was knowing that you were shining down on her and silently sharing in her festivities. I know that every year I will think of you, and I will be happy celebrating, just like I will remember the happiness you had the day that she was born. I will never forget waiting all night with you to see such a pretty baby face for the very first time. How special.

You were a wonderful mother and a beautiful person. You always listened to me with your heart. You helped me to become a kind mother with a big heart. You taught me to not ever lose my childlike ways. To not ever forget to play. What a blessing that lesson has been for my marriage and for my relationship with my children!

I know that you are up in Heaven watching all of us with smiles on your face. I don't know why you had to go so soon. I felt like I was just coming into my own as a woman and a mother when you "left". But now I have a beautiful angel to guide me. And so do my children.

When you were hurt and in the hospital, I used to pray for you to come back to us, because we all still needed you. It took me a little to realize that I was being selfish and that what I should have been praying for is for you to come back to me in any way that you could. God needed you to come home, and I needed a guardian angel that could look over me always.

Love you always and forever.

Happy Birthday my beautiful angel!

henna bliss*

I am so giddy because I have been wanting to get henna done for quite some time and just haven't taken the leap yet! Well, hopefully this weekend I will get it done. The photo that I have attached here is the one that I am in love with most, though I am also thinking of getting my hands and feet done as well before the closing of summer.


So people, light some candles and send me some magic!


I am sure that my hubby will be documenting the process so I will be sure to share!

my heart swells

so happy. I am so in love. kids are so simple and true.

journey

"if you carry your childhood with you, you never become older."

There has been a shift in the lives of my sister and I in the past few years. I love how we are now, and I love being able to share motherhood together. I still remember the day that she called to tell me that she was expecting. She was so giddy. I was so giddy. I was five months pregnant with a bundle of my own. I have always been so wrapped up in her enormous love, and her huge delicate yet strong heart.


My heart has swelled at being able to watch our girls together. Dancing around with abandon and such free spirit. And as I sit here thinking about our little girls, it leads me to wonder, "how much of our childhood have we carried along with us?" Of course we have grown, but have we kept enough of our childlike qualities that one would look and see the glimpse of a girl who once was? The connection of it all is really so profound. The paths that we choose to follow as adults are often in response to those we began as "babes".


As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mama. Donning the inside of my shirt with pillows, I would stand in front of the mirror with my belly puckered out. ahhh, the beginnings of a wonderful journey....


Looking at these two little girls, I often wonder, if I am looking in a mirror of a girl who once was. And it leads me to ponder whether or not I have carried enough of that little girl with me that my cherubs are able to see her?

my quiet space

a quiet place out in the woods

both photos taken by my husband

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. I got up and decided to use this as an opportunity for some "alone time". Hopefully, this would be at least a few hours before my beauties would awake.

I visited this place yesterday morning as well, and I realize how good it feels. Such a peaceful and relaxing part of the day, to be able to watch your babes sleeping in their dreamlike states, the pink barely lit sky, the sounds of the birds just waking up, and your thoughts are only yours. So quiet.

I love my life. I love that my home is filled with the laughter of my children. I love how my life got ten times more playful when God blessed my life with them. I also feel as though every mother should find their sacred, solitary moments to clear a space in her mind. Her "me" time. A sort of balance that every mother seeks to find, and this is one of mine.

I already feel it starting to let go. My son is now rustling, and the sun shows hope for a bright, summery day. I hope to revisit this place again. soon. even if just for a few moments.

soul sister *

new mom and babe in love

my sweet girl snuggling the new babe

Finally able to catch up with my sweet soul sister. I have to admit, I have missed her spirit around me. Such a lovely person, and now there is something about her. Something about her that tells you that she is a mama. She glows and you can see that she is going to be wonderful at nurturing the spirit of her little girl. I had lost a part of my past with her and I am so giddy to have it back. I have always felt comfortable and accepted in her presence.
Heather and I were so close, sharing almost every minute of our days together, and now we were watching our children play and run together, snuggle together, and be comfortable with each other right away. Our girls just stared at each other and seemed as if they had known each other for years. I wouldn't doubt that they did hang out wherever baby spirits hang together before they came into our lives.
And that baby girl. She is such a peaceful and serene baby. Such a quiet little observer. They make up a happy, warm little family (along with her big bro and daddy).
The best part was that it seems that for Heather and I, nothing has changed. We are still the same girls that we were pre-baby. Maybe not fully, but I am looking forward to more time with her and rediscovering each other. I still love this girl dearly.

Counting my blessings

Do you remember what it was like to be a child? To be able to snuggle into your mother and feel safe and loved and wanted? Childhood is a very precious time in your life. Likewise, motherhood is also very precious. To me, it has touched a very sacred part of my soul and my being.
Children are very amazing souls. My son and I have always sort of clung to each other. He made me a mother, he was the reason for a lot of change in my life. In a way, I can say that I have grown up with him. He is a very kind and caring child who just sees the world as a wonder. He questions any and everything. He is really quite intelligent and can make you question yourself at times.
My daughter. As long as I can remember looking into her beautiful blue eyes, she's had this way to see right into you. She is an old soul, a free and kindred spirit. When she looks at you, she sees right into your soul. Something that at first, quite honestly frightened me. To her, I am naked, stripped of all things material and I am me..just mama. With her, I feel accepted, embraced and not judged.
I am very blessed by these children of mine.